you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
