This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
