he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
