I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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