Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
