So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
