capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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