I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
