omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
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I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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