And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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