new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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