this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
