I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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