Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This baby is an asshole
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
