my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
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There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
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I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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