You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
