Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
