not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
