You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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