I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
