I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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