I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
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we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
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I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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