i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I didn't notice because vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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