The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
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Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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