I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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