You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
