kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
