I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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