I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
