What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
