So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
