i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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