I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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