He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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