I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
