you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
