You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
