when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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