Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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