just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
