when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
