Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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