It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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