ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
