Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
