I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
