My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
