i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
