last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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