Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
