I'm lost and stupid without you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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