make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
