I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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