One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
