I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
