Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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