remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
